why didn't you poke me back
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
