We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
