Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
