Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
home. puking in laundry basket.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
