I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
