between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
