Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
