turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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