come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
