I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
