my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
