I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
