Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
