i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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