Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
