I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
