I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
