We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
