Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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