so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
