officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
