Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
