I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
