we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
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the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
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Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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