Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
