On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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