Moan for me like Helen Keller
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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