She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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