I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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