look no pants
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
