And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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