I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
