You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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