Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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