Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
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rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
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WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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