my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
