You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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