hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
