oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
