it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
