Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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