I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
