while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
