I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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