Whatcha textin bout Willis?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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