He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
