She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
