I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
