in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
