at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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