Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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