I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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