I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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