I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
