Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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