your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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