Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
