After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
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