Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
