i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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