How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
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i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
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I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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