I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
