I'm drive I can fine osifer
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
