I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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